Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
