I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
