looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
