Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Where is the hickey?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
