also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
