This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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