I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
how drunk are you?
Several
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
