Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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