Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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