awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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