i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
