Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
