She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
