Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
There's always time for handjobs
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
