Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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