I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
