i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Randomize
