So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
