stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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