I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
