Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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