She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
