9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
