I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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