I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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