i was born a porn star she said
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
