My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Randomize
