my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
