You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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