I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
where am i from again
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
