Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
