I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
there is glitter all over my balls
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
