Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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