I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
