Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
