I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
barbara walters just said penis...
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
