I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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