I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
