Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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