I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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