Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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