My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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