If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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