If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
