why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
