she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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