I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
