i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
