The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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