I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
