you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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