is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
